Remorse is the echo of a lost virtue.

Breaking a confidence is perhaps one of the easiest things to do; it's horrible, but true. There may be nobility, malice or sheer stupidity in breaking a confidence. Nevertheless, the consequences remain the same. Someone trusted you to keep your mouth shut and you didn't; they'll either forgive and forget or hold it against you.

There's nothing worse than being known as the 'nice one' that lovely person who wouldn't hurt a fly. Especially when you feel as though you have a skeleton in your closet, a shadow looming over you that though not on you conscience daily, raises it's head whenever a name is mentioned. I find myself in that situation because of a stupid, frivolous mistake I made at 16. I spectacularly let someone down. I won't go into it because they deserve more than that. All that matters is that they never forgave me; I'll probably never forgive myself.

What is guilt? Why do we feel guilty when we make mistakes and someone suffers as a result? Is it because we genuinely feel remorse for what we have done? Or are we just trying to convince ourselves we do? For instance, in my situation I regularly convince myself that I have no excuses for what I did, that it was just wrong and idiotic and that I should never have done it and that's it. Yet I can also find exceptions when I look further into it; I didn't tell everyone, I told three/four people and told them not to tell anyone else. Sadly one of those people didn't manage to grasp the concept of keeping their mouth shut. But how can I be mad at them when I failed to do that myself? If you reveal your secrets to the wind you should not blame the wind for revealing them to the trees.

Then comes the question 'what if I'd never been caught?'. What if someone hadn't told someone else? What if the person who suffered had never gone through any of it? I'd still have broken a confidence, but would I feel guilty then? Chances are it would never have even entered into my head. Would I still be friends with the people I felt to ashamed to see? Would I have left the place I left? I left something I loved behind because I felt someone I'd let down deserved it more than I did. Am I really sorry or did I do it all to make a martyr of myself? Shame and guilt are funny things.

I did apologise, probably too late because I was too scared to face what I'd done. But I console myself with the fact that I did say sorry. I say I don't care if that person ever forgives me, that I don't deserve to be forgiven, but I'm not sure I really mean that. As life moves on and I meet an increasing number of people who connect us in some fashion, my fear that they'll realise what I'm capable of grows. The fact that so many have reacted with indifference to my confession has been both a comfort and a nightmare.

I'm sorry, truly sorry and I will always regret breaking that confidence.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.