The J Team

For an astronomical list of reasons I have avoided writing about Twilight.
However, I fear the time has come to bite the bullet.

To set the record straight let me first state that yes, I have read Twilight and all of it's sequels. In fact I read them before they had even been released in Europe. I have had a long standing tradition of taking a hoard of books on holiday with me, and so a trip to Tunisia way back when proved no different. In the weeks before the trip I searched Google for the best recommended reads I could find. The New York Times Bestsellers List lead me to a curious little book about vampires called 'Twilight'. An avid Buffy fan in my earlier youth, Twilight seemed fair game for a read on a sun-lounger. Let's face it, it was chick-lit wrapped in a fantasy fiction; I just wanted a cheap read. Whilst I was at it, I figured paying a little more and getting its two sequels would do no harm; I'm pastier than any vampire, tanning was going to be a time consuming process which would inevitably result in skin that would burn more quickly than Dracula's at high-noon. A generous mother's credit card, a decent deal on Amazon and 2 weeks later and I had three big books to take on holiday.

I read Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse in the space of three days. I didn't find them particularly appalling, yet I didn't find them particularly enthralling either. I bought Breaking Dawn, curious as to how Meyer planned to end her 'saga' and found it dull; the book was too long for the story it was trying to tell. She could have saved a section of the rain forest by simply telling the story. Don't even get me started on the child's name.

Now I'm not one to 'hate' on those who like the books. As I've said, they were good for a read when I needed a book, I just didn't find myself pulled in. However, I do have an issue with the hysteria this saga has produced. Three movies have been rolled out in less than two years, billions of dollars have been spent at box offices around the globe and teenage girls everywhere have learned that the only man for them is the one who'll hopelessly devote his (eternal) life to them. Mammies are even joining in; Twihards, along with their Twimoms, have devoted themselves to a new 'Twiligion'. 'Cullenism' is the key it seems. Yet when you think about it really is quite tragic. Despite the fact that he's probably making millions, Robert Pattinson will never be able to live a normal life again after taking on the role of Edward Cullen. Twilight has become to Pattison as Avada Kedavra was to his Cedric Diggory, an Unforgivable Curse.

Legions of fans adore and worship Pattinson, unable to visualise the line between the man and the myth. A recent episode of Glee drew attention to the hilarity of the fanaticism, a devoted 'Twihard' character descending upon a fellow student in a vampiric fashion claiming 'this will DEFINITELY get Robert Pattinson's attention!'. Hilarity in satire, horror in the reality it's based upon. Devoted to Pattinson, these Twihards will do anything to protect and defend their Rob... I mean Edward, Edward, of course he's Edward. Even if it means taking on their most hated crack unit - The J Team. Are you Team Jacob or Team Edward? Answer carefully for your future hangs in the balance! Emma Roberts, niece of Julia and star of Nickelodeon's 'Unfabulous' and teen movies 'Aquamarine' and 'Wild Child' can undoubtedly testify to that.

The New York Daily News reported July 17th that Roberts had been forced to close her Twitter account due to backlash from angry Rob.. I mean, Edward fans. She appeared alongside Pattinson on Jay Leno and openly expressed that sadly, she was not Team Ed. Yes, Roberts is one of The J Team. Whilst Pattinson laughed it off and quipped that Roberts had 'no taste', Twihards took Twitter by storm, flooding Roberts page with their disapproval of her choice. Twihards were also quick to attack the NY Daily News Article, claiming it wasn't Roberts' choice of 'Team' that infuriated them so, but 'her snarky and hateful tweet about Rob that she posted after the show!'. This particular Twihard continued ' Frankly, I'm GLAD she's not Team Edward...there's not enough room for all of us and her BIG EGO, too!'.

Emma's 'tweet' read "Rob Pattinson is so nice! I was slightly disappointed his skin wasn't glittering & the song 'Wild Thing' didn't start when he shook my hand." Read into that what you will, I personally found it witty and I'm sure Pattinson would too.

I'll never pretend to understand 'Twihards'. I was engrossed in Potter from a young age, the books, not the films, but never to the point at which I believed he was going to fall down my chimney thanks to a frog in his throat and some dodgy floo powder. My irrational fear that good old Voldy would appear outside my door can be put down to an over-active childhood imagination, at least that's what I tell myself; whatever helps me sleep at night. I won't begrudge anyone a love of a book, I know plenty of sane people who rather enjoy Twilight; it just seems that there are a rather large amount of people who love it a bit too much for comfort... check out http://www.mylifeistwilight.com if you dare.

As for me, Team Edward or Team Jacob? I've read the books, seen the movies and still have come to the conclusion that I'll have neither thanks. I prefer a bumbling idiot of a man who is perfectly adorable in his geekiness and complete and utter lack of tact. At least he'll make you laugh, whether it's with him or at him. You'd seriously want to smile in a town like 'Forks', what with all the dead bodies and the less than perfect weather. So when it comes to the ultimate 'fictional' heart-throb(particularly because the glow from his ginger hair would 'eclipse' any vampire's sparkly skin), as 'Gryffindors all sing' Ronald Weasley is and forever shall be my king.